Well, I guess it’s time for a sequel. I mean, we talked about a sequel. Well, I talked about it. With myself. At length.
Anyway, it’s not really like I have important things to say, and when I do, I doubt people are going to take me seriously when I associate a serious thing with an online word document whose title is associated with erotic literature. One day, I might be serious about something. Today is not that day.
So, readers – we’ve had long discussions about Un-Awesome things, and how they are minimal yet universal and can really set you up for a bad day (or a bad week, depending on how badly you burned the roof of your mouth).
I’m glad you could join me for this although admittedly it’s a little painful on my part. I mean, I don’t really know anything about writing or about writers, but I am sure that I’m crossing some sort of boundary or going into territory that I shouldn’t this early in my blogging adventures. I can’t even claim to be as awesome as the guys who wrote Fast: 6 (which we all know has been made 3 times too many), and despite any bad reviews, no one paid me to write ‘Sharknado’. But, at least one day, I can maybe show my grandkids this ridiculous thing I spent time on when I was a 20-something living in a town that closes at 5pm and still stamps out library books.
Anyway, Un-Awesome things: Sequel to a Sequel: part 2.
Zits: Yes, we’ve all had a least one. I must admit, that I am pretty lucky and have only had 1 or 2 really serious zits in my life and they have never appeared on significant days of my existence such as picture day, or my wedding. But, they serve no purpose except to say to you in the morning: ‘Hey, I know you didn’t wash your face last night because you stayed up too late watching Sharknado, so here are a couple of reminders that you can’t win the war against your own biology. On top of that, we’ll make them painful and red, and put them on a part of your face that is really hard to get at.’ Or stress zits? That’s a cyclical conundrum that I am glad I don’t find myself in: you zit because you stress, and you stress because you zit.
When it’s windy as shit: I can handle the rain, and I’m not too upset when it’s really cold or really hot. Those kinds of things I can deal with. What I can’t deal with is when it is windy outside. It really is impossible to have a nice day when it’s like a tornado outside and it impairs your ability to do anything. It’s impossible to have a good hair day, it gets ruined the minute you leave the house, you can’t sit outside and enjoy a meal, there’s dirt and leaves and crap blowing everywhere. You might think ‘Oh, well it’ll bring with it nice cool weather’ NO. Because when it’s sticky and hot as crap out, all that wind is just blowing more hot air around, and now you’re sticky and hot and you have terrible hair.
Mosquito Bites: In keeping with the skin irritation issues bites are seriously the most useless. Worse than zits because in addition to being painful, they are also itchy all to hell. They’re giant and red, and can strike at any moment. And often, no amount of scratching really relieves the itch, not even when they’re bloody and oozy. At this point, the general public might think you have the plague and they’ll avoid you. Now you’re left alone to scratch, and don’t even have anyone to complain to, or explain why you’re scratching like a Meth-Head and by the time the itch goes away – you’ll be scabbier than that time you had chicken pox. Gross.
Coffee Grinds: Don’t get me wrong, I think the sustenance to life is coffee (well, it’s water, but you need that to make coffee, so basically the same thing) but it’s the grinds that drive me insane. I mean, someone once discussed that glitter was the herpes of craft supplies, and I can follow that up with bobby-pins are the herpes of hair supplies and can now declare that coffee grinds are the herpes of kitchen supplies. You think you’ve taken care of them after spilling some, and the next morning the grinds have regrouped and multiplied and are currently electing their next leader on the kitchen counter. Then you clean them up again and they’re in the cloth, and then you rinse the cloth and they’re in the sink. Then you try to sweep them up off the floor to no avail. They get stuck in the coffeemaker or on the lip where the sink meets the counter. It’s really a never ending nightmare – spill those little fuckers and it’s over, you’ll never get them cleaned up. Might as well re-model and move.
Wet Bathing suits: there is really no purpose to a wet bathing suit. They are SO hard to put on if they’re still wet and you wanna hop back into the lake or pool. You can’t put them in the dryer, and no matter how dry you think they are, they aren’t. It’s just a fact. They’re not very absorbent so wiping things off when them is a loss, and not to mention it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been out in the sun drying, and how hot it is out – they’re not only wet, but cold. So, they take extra time to put on, you look weird trying to pull this elastic suit that’s sticking to every bit of you, and now you’ve got goose-pimples because it’s like putting on a suit of ice in addition to the awkward tugging and tying and sticking. Forget the suit – just chunky-dunk instead.
Lego Candy: I love Lego. I also love Lego candy. I don’t love eating Lego Candy. I think Lego is an amazing invention and I definitely spent a lot of time in my childhood building and re-building anything and everything out of Lego. We all know that the only thing worse than death, is stepping on a piece of Lego – that has to be the worse pain the in the world. If it wasn’t enough to add to this danger of permanently injuring yourself on such an innocent building block, they decided to make delicious, teeth shattering candy out of it. You can even build things out of your Lego candy, it’s a miracle! And they make it delicious so you’ll want to buy it, but with all that comes the fact that to enjoy it, you also have to eat it. Nothing that a few broken teeth and bleeding gums can’t handle right? What if you stepped on a Lego while eating Lego candy? Alanis should write a song about that.
Bad Hair Days: Okay, you’ve checked the forecast, and it’s not windy outside. You have sufficient time, and everything is going according to your hair plan logistically. You’re ready, ready to finish your look with your hair and you get through it – and that’s it. It’s done, and it looks terrible. It isn’t sitting right, it looks greasy, and some of it is sticking up in funny places. Nothing you do aside from re-showering and starting from the beginning is going to help you fix the hot mess on top of your head.
Turning your brain off: While I know that a lot of people have the opposite problem, nothing is worse than trying to sleep and having your brain going a mile a minute. It’s like, every thought you ever thought you could think, you are thinking at this exact moment. That moment you’re in bed, you’ve settled for the night and you’re ready to drift off into dream land and start anew on the morrow. Then, on top of the fact that you can’t turn your brain off, now you can’t stop thinking about turning your brain off, and now you’re stressing about sleeping, and you can’t sleep because you’re stressing and now you’re pretty sure you’re getting a zit.
Wrong length: Now, I know what you’re thinking (shame on you), but I have to say it annoys me to no end when the length of my pants are too long, or too short. I don’t see the point in pants that are too short (unless they’re capris, in which case: carry on.) and when they’re too long it’s hard to not wreck the bottoms, get them dirty, or step all over them like a hooligan. I know, get them hemmed, buy them in the right length (for those of you who fit in length standards) or buy them in skinny and roll them up. All valid suggestions, but the last thing I want to do when investing in a nice pair of pants, is invest in them some more to have them not make me look like a slob at work, because my damn pants are way too long. I guess heels would also be a fair solution.. tell me how that works out for you gentlemen.
Flat tires: It seems that since moving to the wonderful Manitoba, I have had 3 flat tires. That is more flats than ever before in my driving career! The problem with flat tires (aside from the fact the tires are flat) is that it’s seriously such a pain in the ass to move forward with getting them fixed. Like, you have to go out and put on the spare – but you’re in your work clothes and ready to head out in the morning, and now you’re delayed and you have to change (or wreck your new dress pants, that are too long anyway) and then make sure it’s all safe and on. Get the stupid thing into the trunk, drive to a place that can look at it, leave it there .. get to work late, covered in drive way and leaves, and now your hands hurt and on top of that. It’s -40 here all the time, so it really puts a damper in your day. Or, your other option is to get on the phone and have someone pump it up and take it to the shop. Or have it towed. Like, seriously. So much work for only 1/4th of the tires required!
Locking yourself out: I do this a lot in my office, I don’t know why – I get excited about getting out of the 4x4 space that slightly resembles a prison cell (but without the convenience of plumbing) and slam the door and usually my keys are sitting nicely on my desk. This isn’t a good thing, and it’s embarrassing to be like “Hey, yeah.. locked myself out again.. can you help..?” but especially when it happens at home, I don’t even know how to function. Like, you’re expecting to just get into the house and do what you need to do, sit on the couch, make dinner, change your long-ass dress pants and get into some jeans for your evening out and BAM. Stuck on the lawn like a creepy gnome. And I think we all react to being locked out the same. First, you panic (maybe swear) and search frantically for your keys. The thing about this search, is that deep down you know that you’ve left them in the house, and you’ve really known that all day. Then, you wander around the property as though there is some wormhole that will suddenly open up a human sized hole in the side of your house that will magically put you in your living room. Then you start to peer into your windows and wonder then try to pry them open.. which is dumb because you lock them down like a feudal castle effectively keeping you (and the Black Knight) at bay. Then depending on if you rent or own, who has a spare and that kind of thing determines how you solve your problem. Thank god I live alone and the only person who has a spare is the landlord who lives 40 minutes away, and doesn’t believe in cell phones. Yeesh!
Too much food, not enough leftovers: Yeah, I know this is a major problem for us singletons. The thing is: cooking for one is hard! Outside of like, a TV dinner – things don’t usually come in portions for one. Like, I know, cereal, and bagels and stuff like that – but I’m working on trying to actually good things and put them together on a plate, and try to at least get some of that pesky food pyramid thing in there. While I can eat a lot, which is not good for me (or my waistline), I also happen to have a fondness for leftovers. I don’t know what it is that makes them so great – maybe that they’re quick and convenient, they taste delicious, you can stick ‘em in the microwave .. I dunno, all of those things appeal to me. Sometimes though, there’s too much to eat, and not enough to save. And that is really un-awesome. Because it’s a waste, and you don’t have it to look forward to the next day! I know, I know. “Erin, just cook for two and you’ll always have enough for leftovers..” but, this isn’t really about being logical - now is it?
Chap Stick: Chap Stick itself is obviously not an un-awesome thing. In fact, I own about 10 sticks of it at all times – and always have a large supply with me. The issue is when you don’t have any chap stick, and it’s always when you don’t have it, that you need it (of course, damnitt Murphey.). I always need it after ice cream, at the movies, and after I brush my teeth. And of course at random intervals throughout the day, but these activities Chap Stick is definitely required. So what, you don’t have any, and you can’t borrow any – so now it’s like, you lick your lips once to try to dispel that nagging dryness and it works for about 14 seconds, and then that dry tightness is back (.. that’s what she said.) and then it becomes this vicious like, lick-lips-because-they-hurt-lips-hurt-because-you-lick-them. Ugh, this is a sure fire way to ruin a day, worse than wind and a bad hair day even.
Inappropriate footwear: I know, I spend a lot of time thinking about my own comfort. But for someone who has a pair of slippers in her car so I will always have them, I care a lot about the comfort and safety of my feet. It’s hard for me to really function when my feet are cold because it’s all I can think about, and that bothers me. So, I always come prepared to ensure that my feet are good to go. I have only run into this situation a few times (usually when I’m travelling) when I have brought the wrong type of footwear. Like, how do you even get around that? I guess buy some new ones, but that’s such a process in itself – and on top that you have to take them home and that’s more to pack or whatever. What a pain. (Literally and figuratively)
Song stuck in your head: This is pretty un-awesome. Especially if it’s something annoying, like Friday – Rebecca Black, Call me, maybe? – Carley Rae, and ‘This is the song that never ends’ (Thanks Lamb Chops) I don’t really know what the solution is to this. I guess too, that it’s 10x worse when you know the tune, but not a whole lot of the words? Like, you know 1 line, or just the chorus and it just doesn’t go beyond that. It’s worse than trying to shut your brain off because now you can’t shut your brain off, but it’s on a continuous loop and you can’t get the CD to stop skipping. Bleck, this drive me insane – for good reason too. The last song I had stuck in my head was ‘I’m an Asshole’ – Dennis Leary.
Buying Gas: That shit never goes on sale. And, I find it annoying that I’ve been trained to think “Oh, $1.10.. that’s not too bad.” No, that’s a terrible price for gas! I remember my Dad filling up when it was like, 50cents a litre, and now I’m a little excited when it’s $1.10? That’s annoying. They don’t even have a 30 day return either, like, if it goes down in price in the next 30 days, bring in your receipt and we’ll give you the difference kind of thing. I think that policy would help keep the stations a little more competitive. Well, we’re making progress with the phone contract BS, maybe the gas issue will be next on the list.
And last but not least:
Sequels: Yes, yes. I know. But, I think really that sequels can be pretty un-awesome. Not always, but more often than not. I think the most un-awesome thing about them is like, it’s not often they’re made because there’s more story to tell. They’re made because of money, or .. money. Like, I quite enjoyed some sequels, but there is the expectation that they’re going to be as good as the first, and you will get the same good feelings from the first one, the same people you want to see act in it again, and the same quality of writing or acting, or whatever it was that made you like the first one so much. And I just find, more often than not.. I am wicked disappointed. The writing is crap, the actors are different or annoyed at the fact they signed up for more of the same, or don’t even participate all together. Yeah, sequels are stupid.
I picked a shade of white today, because there's a shittonne of snow here, and I'm not exactly pleased about it.
So, that’s it for now. (I heard Sharknado 2 is on, and I don’t want to miss it.) I’m headed home for a visit, and won’t be writing for a bit, but I’ll pick it up again in the New Year. Happy Christmas and I’ll see some of you soon!
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