Fuck Bread: But not literally, that's weird - Cosmic Latte (yeah, that's a colour)

Fuck sliced bread. That’s right, I said it. Sliced bread is not that great, and I’m tired of people giving it credit when it really hasn’t done all that much to earn such respect. Sure, it made breakfast time more convenient since sliced bread became available commercially in 1928, but really – we can’t think of anything that’s been invented or implemented since 1928 that is better than sliced bread? 

According to my research (Thanks, Magic School Bus):

Canned Beer: The first canned beer was made in 1935. And while I’m hardly a big drinker, and I certainly don’t claim to know anything about beer (except when it was first canned.. in 1935) I would have to say that this to me is a much better use of inventing skills than a bread slicing machine. “The greatest thing since canned Beer!” Yes, I quite like that.

Ball point pens: It’s weird to think about your pen in more than a tool to jot stuff down, but we all have a favourite kind of pen. Gel, the ones with the grip, blue or black, the cheap ones, or the super expensive ones that bleed all over the place if you’re a little slow on the up-take. Well, I’ll have you know that they were invented by Ladislo Biro in 1938. For someone who writes a lot of letters, I can appreciate this invention immensely. And of course, I have a favourite pen – I like thick black ink, not gel and I’m not a huge fan of the rubber grip-bit on the end. What about you? Now you’re thinking about your favourite pen, aren’t you? Ha. (I have too much time on my hands, clearly).

Helicopters: Yeah, seriously. If you pick sliced bread as being the greatest thing ever, over a bloody helicopter – you deserve a swift kick in the pants. Igor Sikorsky invented these puppies in 1939 – seriously though. How would we have that amazing scene in Forrest Gump where he arrives in Vietnam, and there’s all of these Helicopters flying into the jungle while Credence Clearwater Revival is blaring in the background – that’s seriously an amazing scene. How could they have created such an amazing piece of cinematography without Helicopters? What if Forrest and Bubba flew to Vietnam on sliced bread? Yeah, totally a different movie.  

Dialysis: Yep, that’s right. It was invented in 1944, if you think that some sort of bread slicing machine is better than a mechanical kidney cleaning, urine machine (I admit, I don’t really know that much about dialysis) then you’ve got some strange priorities. Maybe the only reason you have kidney failure is because of all the sliced, white bread you’re eating. Yeah, who’s laughing now?! (Really.. who is that? It’s rude.) 

Atomic Bomb: Never mind, that’s not a very good example, even though it was invented in 1945 for obvious reasons. (Blowing things up.. specifically Japan, just if you missed that.)

Velcro: That’s right folks, Velcro was invented after sliced bread. And to think, I would have had to learn to tie my own shoes that much earlier had a not had those Pocahontas High-Tops with the sweet pink Velcro on them. Although, I can’t say that Velcro is always better – as an example: my Army uniform used to have a lot of Velcro on it. I don’t really understand the need to replace buttons with Velcro. I’m trying to hide in the wilderness, I’ve been there for days staking out a great claim, ready to fire on you and win the war (da dad dun dunn dunnn!) and I suddenly need something out of my pocket: RRRIIIPPPPPPP. Great, just gave away my position and gotten myself shot in the throat - all because I needed a stick of gum out of my damn Velcro pocket. Despite that oversight, it’s still better than sliced bread. 

Cake Mix: Actually invented in 1949, which I prefer over bread. It’s much easier to add some eggs and stick it in the oven, than it is to get all the stops and make it from scratch.. and we all know what a spectacular cook I am. 

The Pill: Yes, invented in 1954, we now have an oral contraceptive. Seriously though, what an amazing invention. If we had this prior to sliced bread, maybe we wouldn’t have so many damn kids to feed all these slices of bread to – and we could just stick with the conventional.. non-sliced version. Less acne, mood swings and babies for everyone! (I don’t hear those benefits coming from no damn pumpernickel.)

Barbie: Sure, she’s not an accurate representation of women, but He-Man isn’t really an accurate representation of any men I know either – I mean, who wears their hair like that? Yeah, no one. Even though I wore my brother’s clothes until I was 15 and couldn’t fathom that I was a girl and should be more graceful and into pink, I still owned a bunch of Barbie’s, and they were much more fun than bread.

Valium: Uhm, you’re going to try to tell me that sliced bread is better than Valium? Please. Pulease! As if.1961 never felt so good. 

ATM: I can’t think of a time when I would ever need quick access to sliced bread – like, out of a machine, placed in bars and casinos. “Oh, I’ve lost everything I own to a slot machine, I should go over to that ASBM (Automatic Sliced Bread Machine) and get me some nicely sliced bread, make me a sandwich or something.” NO! But, I do often need quick access to cash, and when I don’t have a bank nearby I can burgle, I enjoy the ease of access that an ATM offers me. So, thank you 1969 for being more useful to me than 1928. Also, I’m sorry that you likely contributed to the increase of suicides at casinos.. yeah.. next!

Hole in a drink can: I know that’s a terrible title, but it’s weird to think about that push-tab-hole process on a pop can. Which, leads me to waaay more questions – like, if we have started to can beer in 1935, I’m wondering how people got it out of the can. Is it like, apple juice cans where you pop the two triangle holes in the opposite sides of the can? Or, you used a can-opener like on green-beans and drink it like a cup. I’m more confused than ever. 

Push-tab-pop-can-hole-things > sliced bread.

Disposable Cameras: Yeah, it’s 1986 and suddenly taking and developing photographs is easier and less expensive than ever before. Your parents trusted them with you when you went on school trips, the anticipation of having them developed and then picking them up and leafing through the pictures – or finding one 10 years later, and wondering what the heck is on the film haha. I mean, seriously – sliced bread, over that wonderful feeling of getting those glossy, 4x6s of Grandma’s birthday party where you accidently took pictures of your brother with cheeze-its in his nose, and a couple of photos of your thumb? Yeah, sliced bread ain’t got nothin’ on them cameras!

Viagra: yep, it’s 1995 and suddenly the world seems to make a whole lot more sense. I mean, where would we be without those delightful blue pills? (not that I’m taking them, that’s weird) but I did quite enjoy those TV commercials they had for them with the very happy looking fellow singing that delightful tune. What a catchy jingle! I’m there are at least a few men who would agree that they are better than that silly sliced bread.

And last but not least: 

No-Contact Jacket: It’s actually a jacket that protects the wearer, by electrically shocking attackers or people who touch it. (Imagine Grandma comes in to give you a hug.. ‘Grandma, nooo!” BBZZZZ) Uhm, that’s terrible. Not that I necessarily think this is better than sliced bread, I actually think I have more use for sliced bread than I do for this jacket, but it was invented in 2003 and I have never heard of it. So, I guess based on its ‘useless-to-me-but-still-cool’ factor, it gets on the list. Wow, imagine being attacked while wearing this jacket, what a shock that would be! (Yeah..I went there. Sorry.)

And, that’s really all I have to say about sliced bread. I just can’t see why things are the greatest thing since 1928, when we’ve had these (and other wonderful) inventions since the time of commercially sliced bread. I mean seriously, a jacket that shocks people? Who wouldn’t want that?!