Labs with Abs: Ginger

Wow! Sorry about the long delay, apparently getting a new face using a Treadmill is not as glamorous as Pintrest makes it out to be.

Anyway, I’m back now – so let’s talk about weird things. My suggestion? My Brother: Paul. He’s probably the weirdest person I ever met, next to the big guy who shares his name and his genetics (Our Father just to be clear). 

So, PC (Which stands for Paul-Christopher.. so we can tell him and our Father (Paul) apart) and I have made our relationship consist of various text messages containing mostly awkward Office quotes, small updates on our Parents and instructions on where and when I need to bail him and his delinquent friends out of jail.

We’ve also made it a tradition to get each other weird gifts – PC always wins, because I’m the sibling that errs on the side of practicality – so he gets a coffee cup with Dwight Schrute’s face on it or weird books I pick up here and there. Last year he gave me a taxidermied (I know that’s not a word.. but ‘Stuffed’ hardly describes the terrifying thing) Epauletted Bat tacked to a board with a pissed off look on its dead-little face. (I’d be pissed to be stuck to a board behind glass and stink of Moth Balls too, I suppose).

Anyway, this year for my birthday he gave me a small book entitled ‘Labs with Abs’ which consists of drawings of Labrador Retrievers with 6-pack abs doing various things (like peeing on fire hydrants or playing Frisbee) which again, wins for weird gifts. While laid up with a broken face I got to thinking about why it would be weird if people were dogs. For obvious reasons such so not being able to open canned food (lack of thumbs will do that to you) or driving the car (I can hardly reach the peddles with my human legs, let alone little stumpy dog ones.. and I’d probably rather chase the car than drive it anyway) but what about the other doggy things? 

Pooping in the Yard: 

Aside from this being really weird for people to do (although, I know people who drunkenly have..) People would not be very good at it. From experience camping, I can’t even pee in the woods without getting my socks wet. We are simply not designed to easily go in the yard, and what of winter? I mean sure, Tucker (my Black Lab/German Sheppard Cross) has a fur coat on and relishes winter time – but people? No way. I understand long underwear with the butt flap, but that’s a risk I’m not willing to take! I can’t say I know a lot of people that would fit through a dog door either – so figuring out finding someone to actually let you in the yard is almost as much of an issue as going in the yard.

Staying Clean:

I know this is gross to think about, but Tucker does a pretty good job about being a neat and trim pooch – as well as being fairly self-sufficient (no grooming required per se) although a good brush once a week saves me from vacuuming up enough hair to make myself another dog. But people? I mean, I know people who won’t eat food that touches other food on their dinner plate, let alone lick a hand or foot clean. Aside from being horribly inflexible for those.. *ahem* hard to reach.. places, it’s probably not something people really want to think about anyway.

Dog Food: 

I have a feeling that almost everyone I know (aside from my Mom, who has pretty much eaten the same thing for breakfast and lunch for the last 35 years) eats a fairly good variety of food – could you imagine restricting yourself to food that was just handed to you and having the inability to ask for seconds and/or eating the exact same thing for your entire doggy life? Sure, kibble is great, but it’s literally the same exact thing in the bag every time. No sauce, no garnish, no presentation – nothing! Just sits in a bowl on the floor .. and you don’t even get to use your hands to eat it. Aside from that, only water to drink. Apart from drinking something that has spilled off the table, or the occasional adventure into toilet-land, all you get to drink is water. And usually it’s luke warm and has stray bits of floaty kibble in it. 

Dog Beds: 

My Tucker is a big boy, so finding a bed was hard for us, so we settled on folding a twin sized comforter over to it would be easy to wash and he could fit entirely onto it. Problem is, Tucker enjoys pulling the innards out of his toys and then racing around the house with the carcass and completely ignores the stuffing. Same goes for his Tucker-sized bed, two days and it was de-stuffed. (stupid git.. ate his own bed.) Anyway, so the idea that dogs lay around on the floor their whole lives (well, Tucker does anyway, we are a strict no dogs on the furniture household) would also not go over well in people land. I mean, we have more kinds and styles of mattresses than there are Teen Moms on MTV - so to lay around on the floor would not bode well for selective and spoiled human.

Barking:  

Sure, we’ve all seen those movies about feral children raised by dogs who only bark and stuff, but could you imagine if your girlfriend is yelling at you about something and all she could do was bark? Yeesh. The neighbours would probably show up with a shot gun thinking there was a rabid dog on the loose. As well as if humans were that excited about someone being at the door? If humans barked at the door I’m not sure anyone would ever come calling ever again.

Sniffing: 

   

I try to discuss this need to smell everything with Tucker, but he just looks at me with a queer look on his face and then tries to smell my breath. Could you imagine if people smelled everything the way dogs do? Like mailboxes and cats, the carpet.. each other? What a weird hello that would be “Hi!” (7 minute sniff) *end of interaction* I mean, as a human who spends an alarming amount of time in Walmart I’ve had my fair share of smelly people, but to actually be excited and to take the time out of my day to smell these un-bathed and poorly dressed people is not really my ideal.

Playing Fetch:

I suppose we have this.. it’s called Golf. Or in large groups, Football. Nevermind, bad point.

Sweating:

We all know that dogs do not sweat, they pant instead. And while I have seen the videos of Feral Children just as much as anyone else, it’s a weird concept for humans. Think of how dry and gross your mouth would get, and the amount of drooling you may do. And to counter that, what if you get cold? I mean those dog coats only cover the dog’s chest and neck, could you imagine if you had to poop in the yard only wearing a vest in the dead of night, in the middle of winter? Yikes.

Going for Walks:

I know some people are into the whole, walk-your-partner-on-a-leash kind of people, but to do it so they can go in someone else’s yard while only wearing a vest is weird. And to stop and have humans sniff each other, or bark aggressively at each other to mark their territory or protect their humans.

Can you imagine people having litters of children too? I know there’s Octomom and stuff, but imagine people having anywhere between 2 to like, 12 kinds in one go, like every time. That’s incredible!

I think it’s safe to conclude that not only is my brother a weirdo, but people would obviously not make very good dogs.

Today I picked the colour Ginger because my siblings and Father are DayWalkers.