Wow! Sorry about the long delay, apparently getting a new
face using a Treadmill is not as glamorous as Pintrest makes it out to be.
Anyway, I’m back now – so let’s talk about weird things. My
suggestion? My Brother: Paul. He’s probably the weirdest person I ever met,
next to the big guy who shares his name and his genetics (Our Father just to be
clear).
So, PC (Which stands for Paul-Christopher.. so we can tell him and our
Father (Paul) apart) and I have made our relationship consist of various text
messages containing mostly awkward Office quotes, small updates on our Parents
and instructions on where and when I need to bail him and his delinquent friends
out of jail.
We’ve also made it a tradition to get each other weird gifts
– PC always wins, because I’m the sibling that errs on the side of practicality
– so he gets a coffee cup with Dwight Schrute’s face on it or weird books I
pick up here and there. Last year he gave me a taxidermied (I know that’s not a
word.. but ‘Stuffed’ hardly describes the terrifying thing) Epauletted Bat tacked
to a board with a pissed off look on its dead-little face. (I’d be pissed to be
stuck to a board behind glass and stink of Moth Balls too, I suppose).
Anyway, this year for my birthday he gave me a small book entitled ‘Labs with Abs’ which consists of drawings of Labrador Retrievers with 6-pack abs doing various things (like peeing on fire hydrants or playing Frisbee) which again, wins for weird gifts. While laid up with a broken face I got to thinking about why it would be weird if people were dogs. For obvious reasons such so not being able to open canned food (lack of thumbs will do that to you) or driving the car (I can hardly reach the peddles with my human legs, let alone little stumpy dog ones.. and I’d probably rather chase the car than drive it anyway) but what about the other doggy things?
Pooping in the Yard:
Aside from this being really weird for people to do
(although, I know people who drunkenly have..) People would not be very good at
it. From experience camping, I can’t even pee in the woods without getting my
socks wet. We are simply not designed to easily go in the yard, and what of winter?
I mean sure, Tucker (my Black Lab/German Sheppard Cross) has a fur coat on and
relishes winter time – but people? No way. I understand long underwear with the
butt flap, but that’s a risk I’m not willing to take! I can’t say I know a lot
of people that would fit through a dog door either – so figuring out finding
someone to actually let you in the
yard is almost as much of an issue as going
in the yard.
Staying Clean:
I know this is gross to think about, but Tucker does a
pretty good job about being a neat and trim pooch – as well as being fairly self-sufficient
(no grooming required per se) although a good brush once a week saves me from
vacuuming up enough hair to make myself another dog. But people? I mean, I know
people who won’t eat food that touches other food on their dinner plate, let
alone lick a hand or foot clean. Aside from being horribly inflexible for
those.. *ahem* hard to reach.. places, it’s probably not something people
really want to think about anyway.
Dog Food:
I have a feeling that almost everyone I know (aside from my
Mom, who has pretty much eaten the same thing for breakfast and lunch for the
last 35 years) eats a fairly good variety of food – could you imagine
restricting yourself to food that was just handed to you and having the inability
to ask for seconds and/or eating the exact same thing for your entire doggy
life? Sure, kibble is great, but it’s literally the same exact thing in the bag
every time. No sauce, no garnish, no presentation – nothing! Just sits in a
bowl on the floor .. and you don’t even get to use your hands to eat it. Aside from
that, only water to drink. Apart from drinking something that has spilled off
the table, or the occasional adventure into toilet-land, all you get to drink
is water. And usually it’s luke warm and has stray bits of floaty kibble in it.
Dog Beds:
My Tucker is a big boy, so finding a bed was hard for us, so
we settled on folding a twin sized comforter over to it would be easy to wash
and he could fit entirely onto it. Problem is, Tucker enjoys pulling the innards
out of his toys and then racing around the house with the carcass and
completely ignores the stuffing. Same goes for his Tucker-sized bed, two days
and it was de-stuffed. (stupid git.. ate his own bed.) Anyway, so the idea that
dogs lay around on the floor their whole lives (well, Tucker does anyway, we
are a strict no dogs on the furniture household) would also not go over well in
people land. I mean, we have more kinds and styles of mattresses than there are
Teen Moms on MTV - so to lay around on the floor would not bode well for
selective and spoiled human.
Barking:
Sure, we’ve all seen those movies about feral children
raised by dogs who only bark and stuff, but could you imagine if your girlfriend
is yelling at you about something and all she could do was bark? Yeesh. The neighbours
would probably show up with a shot gun thinking there was a rabid dog on the
loose. As well as if humans were that excited about someone being at the door? If
humans barked at the door I’m not sure anyone would ever come calling ever
again.
Sniffing:
I try to discuss this need to smell everything with Tucker,
but he just looks at me with a queer look on his face and then tries to smell my
breath. Could you imagine if people smelled everything the way dogs do? Like mailboxes
and cats, the carpet.. each other? What a weird hello that would be “Hi!” (7
minute sniff) *end of interaction* I mean, as a human who spends an alarming
amount of time in Walmart I’ve had my fair share of smelly people, but to
actually be excited and to take the time out of my day to smell these un-bathed
and poorly dressed people is not really my ideal.
Playing Fetch:
I suppose we have this.. it’s called Golf. Or in large
groups, Football. Nevermind, bad point.
Sweating:
We all know that dogs do not sweat, they pant instead. And while
I have seen the videos of Feral Children just as much as anyone else, it’s a weird
concept for humans. Think of how dry and gross your mouth would get, and the
amount of drooling you may do. And to counter that, what if you get cold? I mean
those dog coats only cover the dog’s chest and neck, could you imagine if you
had to poop in the yard only wearing a vest in the dead of night, in the middle
of winter? Yikes.
Going for Walks:
I know some people are into the whole,
walk-your-partner-on-a-leash kind of people, but to do it so they can go in
someone else’s yard while only wearing a vest is weird. And to stop and have
humans sniff each other, or bark aggressively at each other to mark their territory
or protect their humans.
Can you imagine people having litters of children too? I know
there’s Octomom and stuff, but imagine people having anywhere between 2 to
like, 12 kinds in one go, like every time. That’s incredible!
I think it’s safe to conclude that not only is my brother a
weirdo, but people would obviously not make very good dogs.
Today I picked the colour Ginger because my siblings and
Father are DayWalkers.
