Wal*Mart Blue

I love working at Wal-Mart. It’s pretty much the highlight of my life, which makes me a bit strange – but ‘normal’ is relative, and after spending copious amounts of time inside Wal-Mart, I have come to realise this.

I’ve certainly had some strange customers, and mostly enjoyed the conversations that I’ve had with them. What gets me the most is the questions that people have for me, especially older people. And bless the elderly, but seriously – who left them unattended? For the most part though, it’s often the same questions over and over again that make me wonder about people, and certainly the obviousness of the answers. Here are some examples of questions that are the most common, and sometimes people in the department have come up with some creative answers to them.  

Question #1 –

“Do you work here?”

This is by far the most common question that ever existed. Even though I’m dressed in a ridiculous shade of blue in the form of a vest, made of this terribly cheap synthetic material,  and this often is partnered with a sour look – it seems very obvious the answer to this question is yes.

Some creative answers include:

“Yes actually, thanks to the Prison Work Release Program, how can I help?”

(Twice people have given me the strangest look and are hesitant in continuing, and a few times people give me that same look and promptly turned around and walked away. We forgot our sense of humour at home today apparently.)

“No, this is my Halloween costume.. Pretty good huh?” (This person promptly agreed that it was a great costume and thought I actually worked there, and continued on to find someone else to ask questions)

“Only because the great prophet commands it” (I can’t remember who’s response that was, but the effect was amazing, probably a good way to get out of Jury Duty too)

It has been suggested that people simply lack the people skills, or ability to just approach someone and actually just ask for help. I suppose that his question poses as an ‘ice-breaker’ but I’m not just standing here in this vest because I think it’s fashionable or a good use of my time, so cut the crap and tell me what you want. The state of my employ I’m sure is not something that you actually care about.

Question #2

“Where are the batteries?”

This seems like a fairly standard question, especially because I work in Electronics, but this question is only ever asked when I (or any other member of the department) is standing directly in front of the batteries. Or they’re stocking the batteries or even holding batteries – never when someone might actually need to be directed any sort of distance to them. The only response is to just point and listen to the person gush about how embarrassed they are about being so blind. Of course I don’t care, although it seems that once people enter the store they lack the ability to actually see, or be observant. This is also likely why we have so many lost children – now you see me.. now you don’t!

Question #3

“Is this cash open?”

Okay, first of all, technically this question doesn’t make sense. English dictates that cash cannot be open, and this is simply English slang for “Cash Register” and second of all, there are two ways that this question drives me insane. First, if you’re standing at the register in Electronics, and ask me as I’m walking by (either helping another customer or stocking something) then it is obvious that because there is no one standing at it, operating the register that it is in fact not open. The second way that this question makes me fill with rage is when I’m standing at the counter and have just finished helping someone purchase their products and then you prompt me with that question. What would you like me to say? “Nope! Saw you comin’ and now I’m shuttin’ ‘er down!”  - Seriously people.

A more appropriate question would be “Can you ring me through please?” – Let’s work on that as a skill.

Question #4

“Is this where I buy the internet?”

I think that you would be surprised at how many times I am asked this question. You’re right, mostly by older people who don’t really understand that the internet is very similar to cable and the telephone in the fact that it comes out of the wall and requires a service provider, but the amount of people who are convinced that it is something that comes in a box that you just buy and take home to use. I am actually thinking about making small boxes, called them “The Internet” and inside them will just be like, a cookie and a set of instructions on how to actually get the internet – including how to buy and/or operate a personal computer to then access said internet. Maybe I’d make a killing! And maybe I would have a lot of old people egging my house for selling a product they’ve perceived as something it isn’t. Either way, this is still kind of a silly question.

Question #5

“How much is this / How much does this cost?”

Now, there is a rule at Wal-Mart that suggests that customers should never have to ask how much something costs. They should easily be able to access the information on the product they want, which includes the price. I agree, I think this is a great rule, but you can only lead a horse to water.. you can’t make it drink. 9 times out of 10, the thing they hand me is not only warm and slimy from being clasped desperately in their hand (which is just nasty.) but it has a giant price sticker on it.. indicating exactly how much that Wal-Mart is selling it for, minus those pesky sales tax. By the time my second year at Wal-Mart had rolled around, I had had enough of listening to “Well, I found it here and it said it was this much” or “I found it in the $5 bin.. so how much is it?” so now I’ve just resorted to telling them exactly what is on the sticker and handing it back to them with a no-nonsense look suggesting that it was a stupid question and I don’t care if you’ve found the bloody thing in Narnia, the price is on the sticker – perhaps you’ll be surprised when you get to the register and it comes up less, but rule of thumb is that you’ll never pay more than the sticker (because that’s illegal) so stop asking. We’re back to your lack of ability to see or be observant – and now I’d like to kick you in the head.

Question # 6

“Does anyone actually work here?”

Well, funny enough I think this may be a valid question. Yes, it is obvious that people are employed here, because opening a store with no one working in it doesn’t make any sense, unless you’re a bank machine or a pop-machine (or Zellers.. Har Har!) – and even then someone has to fill it. So yes, people are definitely employed at Wal-Mart. Whether or not they ‘actually work’ is something completely different. And I know that you’re just trying to express your exasperation at the fact that you can’t find anyone within yelling distance – but most of the time people will look directly at me, or say “hello, doesn’t anyone actually work here?” which really doesn’t make any sense.. because you’re saying it to me.. and I am employed here, so the only answer would be ‘yes’. Now, there are certainly people who ‘don’t actually work’ but are still employed.. which is completely different. Essentially, just stop asking me this.

Question # 7

“Does this thing actually work?”

Frig, I just can’t know the answer to this. My immediate thought is to say “Why yes, of course. Wal-Mart wouldn’t sell a product that didn’t do exactly as it claimed!” But.. Wal-Mart is itself a product that doesn’t do exactly as it claimed, and frankly the product doesn’t fall far from the Wal-Mart tree. (Like our return policy for instance.) I think to all of the consequences that this question has, because it’s a completely loaded question. So, if I say yes, and out of the box it happens to be a lemon, they come back and tell the entire world that I lied to them and that we sell crap, and they’ll never shop at the store again, and I should be fired and then people will show up with pitch-forks and torches. If it does work, then it is good, but if it doesn’t work EXACTLY as the TV showed them it would, then I’m still in trouble because I still answered positively toward the product and while it’s functional.. just not a very good product. This is why when people ask me that only thing I can ever think is “as far as I know..” accompanied by a shrug and a sceptical look. I suppose by being non-committal people can’t hold me responsible – well kind of.

Question # 8

“Can I return this as long as I don’t open it?”

Uhm actually you can return anything in any state, at any time you want – even without a receipt! All you have to do is complain loudly enough with something that we may have at one time sold and we’ll give you some money for it. Sometimes it’s even more than you paid.. and sometimes it’s not – but it doesn’t matter, because you as a customer are always right. The only thing you can’t return is your children, and for the most part – you probably should.

Question #9

“What time are you open until?”

I don’t mind this question, except that Wal-Mart has been open the same hours for like, ever. That, and to be worried about what time Wal*Mart closes means you need to go home. Like, right now. I also find it very strange when people ask me if we’re open 24 hours at say, 6 o’clock in the evening. I just wonder if they had planned to stay here for next 5+ hours, what could you possibly have to shop for that would take the next 5 hours? I do love Wal-Mart, but if you’re there longer than I am being paid to be there, you may just have a problem.

Question #10

“What is on sale in the flyer this week?”

This question is most likely asked over the phone and usually by old people. But, it annoys me because not only have you not given me any premise to what general kind of product you are looking for, and I know you’ve just mashed buttons on the touch-tone and managed to make it through the automated system and would have ended up unknowingly to Electronics but when you ask me there is actually a tone of reasonable expectation that I will not only know every single thing that is in the flyer off the top of my head, but that I will then tell you and wait patiently while you write it all down, ask me about what it is and what it does and if we have any in stock. The answer to all of these is no- I don’t know. I don’t know what it is or what it does, if we have any and whether or not it would look good in your living room. And frankly, I don’t care. Realistically I just do not get paid enough to care about whether or not your husband can drink pulpy orange juice after his angina episode last week, or whether or not your sister can wear the socks that are 10 bucks because she has circulation issues. I am not a doctor, and I just don’t care about your uncle’s cat who only eats a certain type of food, and why it is so expensive and that you have to go a pick it up for him and you don’t even like him.. or cats for that matter.

And finally, my least favourite, but most common question after “Do you work here?” and “How much does this cost?” Is:

Question #11

“Can you just hold it at the cash for me? I’ll be there in an hour (or 3 hours, or tomorrow or when I get paid, or when I get my cheque and so on)”

The answer is simply ‘no’. The ONLY time I ever even consider holding the thing that you want is if we have 1000 of them on the shelf, and I can just tell by this phone call that when you come in, you are going to make zero effort to find it OR you are just inept and would never find it even if you tried. That way, I know I am going to have to help you find it and then you’ll want to talk about it and ask me if I liked it and if I think it would make a good gift, or you mother would like it, or you’d like to tell me the plot line or demonstrate all the funny parts that happen, or how it works or why you need it or, who you’re giving it to or contemplate whether or not you should actually buy it even after all this (breathe!) and finally, whether or not I think you should buy it/liked it.

The answer to all of these things is ‘I don’t care.’ I get quite the workout just shrugging because people ask me about movies I’ve seen, or DVD players I’ve bought, TVs I’ve watched or batteries I’ve sold, and really, I just. don’t. care.    

So I guess this is kind of a public service announcement. Now you know that you shouldn’t ask anyone who works (or actually works) at Wal-Mart any of the above questions, it could be hazardous to your health. Or my health. Or fluffy kittens that I may feel the urge to punch.