It's gettin' hawt in hurr (That's a complete lie.) - Apricot

My landlord is a scumbag. Like, my rent is really cheap, and my place is pretty big and has some nice features and whatever. But, despite all of that.. it’s missing one key ingredient.

Heat.

Yes, you’ve read it. It’s missing the essential component of comfortable living in Manitoba, where it’s -40 like, 11 months of the year. 

Anyway, I know I have to have maintenance of like, 20 degrees or something between the 1^st of September, and the 1^st of June. Which, in Manitoba means that for June, when it snows – you’re shit out of luck.

Anyway, so after politely asking my landlord when the heat is going to arrive, and then reminding him a few times that my apartment still does not have the ability to be heated, I have decided to take revenge the  best way I know how – effectively. 

Now, I should note, that I brought a space heater with me when I moved because my office in North Bay was icy at all times. I was worried that my office in Manitoba would be the same – the Landlord also supplied me with a space heater ‘in case I got cold’ when I moved in and I thought: ‘Okay, well I’ll put one in the living area, and one in my bedroom, and that should do me just fine until we get the mess sorted out.’ Well, the heat isn’t working because when they renovated.. or ‘renovated’, they disconnected the radiators, and installed these new efficient electric heating panels. Which, are great – but they aren’t hooked up to anything, so.. they’re purely for decoration. So, they don’t have the new panel hooked up properly, so only half of the outlets in the apartment work, which means I had to be very selective of where I put stuff I needed to plug in. 

If by chance, I plug too many things in, or have too many things running at the same time (for instance, the coffee maker and the toaster) it knocks the power out in the whole apartment, and the panel is locked up in the storage room. Lucky for me, he showed me where the panel was, and which switch to flick should there be an issue. Unlucky for me, he locks it behind these annoying, cheap wood slat doors. I however, am not afraid of a challenge, so I usually climb up on the gate, stick my arm through and mash buttons until the power switches back on in my place. I also swear a lot. 

So, we have the added loveliness of a dodgy power supply, which means that I can’t actually run the two space heaters at the same time (1 in the bedroom and 1 in the living room) because it knocks the power out. So, I am forced to warm up the living room, and actually PRE-HEAT my bedroom when I go to bed, because it’s hard to sleep when your breath comes out in clouds. It’s seriously annoying. 

Anyway, so as we approach the winter season, this will be my first winter in Manitoba, and I’m nervous. I did buy and bring a parka (yes, a ‘two piece’ parka for those of you who keep asking me what kind of parka) but that doesn’t really mean that I want to wear it inside, and also to bed. I’ve come up with some ways that I’m going to get back at the bastard for being annoying about my power supply and heating situation. (and yes, I’ll be calling the tenant board, so please don’t email me phone numbers and make comments about the fact that I’m too daft to figure out the phone to just ring them myself.) 

1.       There is a strict no-dog policy in effect in my building. I’ve decided to have my laptop announce when I get an e-mail, and set the alert as a series of annoying, barking dog noises. I’m then going to hook the computer up to the speakers I have, turn it up to full blast, and spend my work day emailing myself to set off the notification. I’m then going to act dodgy, yell commands like “SIT!” when I’m home, and laugh when the neighbours (who are also afraid of dogs) complain and have the landlord come and check it out. I’ve not set a time limit on this, I think it would be fun to have it go on for the duration of my stay.

2.       I’ve had water issues in the past. The landlord came, patched up the roof and the water was no longer a problem. Well, it’s unfortunate that suddenly every time it rains, there ends up being exactly one large cupful of water on the floor suddenly. I plan to ‘notice the water’, call the landlord in an uncharacteristically frantic, and damsel –in-distress kind of way, and after he drives out the hour it takes to get here, I’ll have him up on the roof looking for the ‘source of the water’. This will go on for a few times, and then I will one day call and exclaim happily that the water is finally fixed, and thank him immensely. Suddenly, hottest day of the year, not a cloud in the sky – water is back! (insert evil laugh)

3.       Successfully  complete the damage-deposit inspection so I can get my cheque back, and then steal inconspicuous things such as the clothes rod in the closet (which is huge, and custom made), some switch plates, the showerhead and perhaps some shelves out of the cupboards. Yeah, that’ll show him.

4.       Again, after completing the deposit inspection, I will then take a very nice and clean paint brush, and some water in a nice bucket, and paint huge wet spots on the newly plastered ceiling.

5.       There’s a weird space above the window in my living room, as well as in the bedroom. Because I’m in a walk-down, the windows are quite high and actually brush up to the ceiling. If you look through the window, there is a small ledge where the new ceiling was built slightly below the cusp of the top of both windows. It should also be noted that I have all the windows frosted out, so you can’t actually see through them anymore. Perfect. This spot is ideal for hiding keys or valuables, in case you have a break in or whatever. It’s also great for hiding a banana in each ledge, because I’m very worried about stealing my beloved fruit. I will then move out, and forget they are up there, and suddenly not understand why the apartment stinks because when I lived there it smelled fine.

6.       I have some strong friends, and I own some cool tools. I’m going to use both to tighten all the taps in the apartment on move out day, soooo tight that they are impossible to unstick via regular human hands/strength.

7.       I’m going to clean the stove so well, that all of the numbers and temperature indicators are cleaned off, and there is no way to tell which nob does what, or how hot the oven is. Nothing a little nail polish remover and a cheap kitchen appliance can’t handle.

8.       I’m going to bake a delicious pizza, and let it cool in the oven.. for about 6 weeks.

9.       I’m going to switch all the breakers on the breaker panel (provided he gets it hooked up finally..) so they are obviously in the ‘off’ position.

10.   I will then remove all of the light bulbs in the entire apartment, and put all of the light covers back on as though nothing was changed. The lights won’t work, and they’ll think: ‘genius, the panel has been switched!’ and switch the panel back. I wish I could see their faces when the success of the panel switching mysteriously doesn’t solve the lighting problem.

11.   I’m going to switch the lock quietly when I move out, and make a big production of handing the keys back to landlord. Meanwhile, I’m going to leave and lock the door with new lock and the new keys, and throw the new keys in the dumpster.   

12.   Red dye in the toilet tank, making the toilet super hard to clean. Or, just red. Or, well, I haven’t thought that one through, but hopefully it stains or is kind of, just a pain.

13.   Finally, I’m going to paint the apartment 1 shade darker than the current paint colour, but adding some of my own mix so it still doesn’t match an actual store colour - so you can’t tell that it’s different (it’s all the same colour) and hang some pictures. Then, when I move out and he goes to paint over the cracks and holes in the plaster, I’m going to laugh at his inability to match up the paint.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘God Erin, you’re actually just a big fuckin’ dick.’ And my response is ‘Yes, I am a big fuckin’ dick, but I wouldn’t have an issue if I wasn’t stuck in a walk-down in Manitoba, in the winter WITH NO HEAT.’  

Your move, landlord.

Tea Bags VS. Dime Bags: Rufous

I am drinking a tea. Not weird right? Obviously, I mean we all know I have a drinking problem. I mean, tea.. TEA drinking problem. Which is fine, damage seems fairly minimal, and withdrawal isn’t the worst thing I’ve experienced, definitely something I can handle. I like all kinds of tea, as long as it had stuff in it I like. For example: I dislike cinnamon, therefore I dislike teas that have a detectable amount of cinnamon in them. Outside of that really, I don’t mind. Unless of course someone makes Mustard Tea. Or Orange Tea. I hate Oranges. And Mustard. Bleck.

It’s only about real oranges though. Orange flavoured things are my favourite. Real oranges? 

Nasty. 

Could you imagine steeped Mustard Tea? Gross.

I also thought about how much tea I drink, and the places that I drink it. And then I thought – what if I replaced tea drinking (at the volume in which I do) with something else. Like, sandwich eating? Could you imagine if I went shopping and stopped in for a sandwich beforehand.. and shopped and ate a sandwich at the same time? I would have to get a sandwich cozy. With a strap. To carry it around with me. If I ate sandwiches at the rate, and in the places I drink tea, people would certainly be offended. I’m also hardly a nice eater (I try, but I just wasn’t born to eat neat) so I think my disgusting consumption of a sandwich in weird places at alarming rates would turn a few heads. 

I have seen this image floating around the interwebs, and although I haven't seen whatever movie this is from, I do know she's a Brit, and it makes me giggle every time.

 

So, what if I  replaced tea drinking with Meth taking? I know, that’s crazy. And I understand it’s a serious problem, and real people suffer, and I shouldn’t make light of it.. but I have short comings too. It just doesn’t happen to be being addicted to meth. I made the choice to be addicted to something that was more socially acceptable. So, I guess here’s a warning for those Meth-Heads who are reading this (which, I’m sure is a massive number).   I’m going to talk about Meth.. and I’m going to compare it to doing other things, and my goal is that those comparisons are funny. 
Or at least sarcastic enough to appeal to some people. Most people. ALL THE PEOPLE. 

(Not to be confused with mAth heads. I hate math. I would rather do meth than math.)

Okay, so Tea Vs. Meth – here we go.

It’s not weird at the dinner table: I think that when someone has me over for dinner, and they offer me a beverage that it would okay if I said:

 “Oh, a tea would be lovely with my dinner, thank-you.” 

I think it would be weird if I was to instead say:

 “Oh, some meth would lovely with my dinner. Perhaps you could get me a belt or strap of some sort, or wait, could you give me a hand injecting between my toes before you sit down? Yeah, that’ll be fine, thank-you.” 

 Not okay. I think there’s something in there about not engaging in any sort of touching or action regarding your feet at the table either. Especially mine, they’re ugly as shit.
(See? Shortcomings.) 

It’s okay to share with your Mom and little sister: I think that when I spend quality time with my Mom that offering her a pot of tea isn’t something to think about too much. I mean, it’s delicious, it’s easy to make – and I agree that meth is too, regardless of your chosen method of intake, but I think my Mom would be offended if I said to her:

 “Oh, would you like a shot of meth? I’m just brewing some.”

 I also think people might have reservations about coming over if I were to offer the latter as a menu option – I also don’t think they’d let their little sister come over either. I like to entertain (I’m not good at it, but it’s still fun) but I don’t think I should be part of the entertainment. Or, if I am (which, if I’ve gotten into the wine sometimes happens) I don’t want it to be because I’m being arrested coming down from a meth high after offering to your little sister. Tea? A much safer, more legal alternative.  

 

It’s universally accepted in public: I say this loosely (I’m not really.. sure you can say things tightly..) because there are a lot of places that frown upon bringing in outside food or beverage. Sometimes it’s because it’s a restaurant.. and that’s weird, and sometimes because it’s a store and they don’t want your sticky fingers all over their merchandise. I almost understand both, but I never follow the rule. I have been to numerous restaurants with Tim Horton’s, movie theatres, bars and the mall/clothing store. I think either people see that I’m ordering something, so they should accept my business however small it may be – or they see the Tim Horton’s cup and realise that their product is far inferior to the great Tim and have no business suggesting otherwise. I think though, that if I brought meth in to a bar, or restaurant and had it sitting on the table, or were having it in addition to my meal, it’s not.. really a good idea. I also think if I were to stroll downtown while enjoying a nice cuppa*, people wouldn’t be too upset – they would think I was even normal (whatever that means these days), but to stroll downtown enjoying some meth I think might be an issue. I know, I’ve seen it in Peterborough too – I’m just saying me personally.

*Cuppa – noun,  A cup of tea: "a good strong cuppa”, contraction of “Cup of”.

It’s good to Go: I think about the times I have spent in the airport, and those Ion Scanners they have. No one is looking for trace amounts of tea. Or when you go across the border, and you’ve hit the last Tim Horton’s in Canada because you know it just isn’t the same at Tim Horton’s Abroad. So, I walk through the airport with a cup of tea (but only until a certain point, because then they make you throw it out or whatever) but I can`t say that going through the Ion scanner would make me nervous after an extra large tea. Extra large meth session? Yes, I think that would make me nervous. Or, going over the boarder drinking a delicious beverage, and having a conversation with the Border Guard: 

“No, Officer – nothing to declare.” “Are you bringing anything into the country?” “Yes, large amounts of tea. Strictly recreational use, and I might give some to the neighbours.” 

Vs.

 “Are you bringing anything into the country?” “Yes, large amounts of meth. Strictly recreational use, but I might also sell some to the neighbours.”

It’s weird that those two interactions have a very different result. 

Also, I don’t think I would traffic in tea. But, I would tea in traffic. 

Few adverse health effects: Sure, tea has caffeine and that stuff is addicting and has withdrawal symptoms and stuff, but I think it would be fairly easy to quit comparatively. Also, if you don’t like tea, you just don’t drink it – if you don’t like meth.. it doesn’t matter, because it is addicting as shit and you can’t help it. I can’t see tea rotting the teeth out of your head either – nobody would look at you and say “Gross, I think she has tea-mouth.” I also don’t think that people would feel the need to consume tea in ways other than their mouth – I can’t say I’ve ever thought to myself “Oh, this tea isn’t making me feel the way it used to. I better start injecting it.”

People don’t get upset when I cook it: (Yes, I know the correct term is ‘brew’ – it’s strictly for joke purposes and apparently you aren’t okay with that.. how did you make it this far into it if you’re too serious minded to accept that I suggest tea is ‘cooked’?)  Anyway. I think it says a lot about something when I can just use a kettle to make some tea, whereas I would need a PhD in Chemistry to make meth and not blow my face off. And, when people came over and said “Oh, smells like you’re making tea!” and “Oh, smells like you’re making meth!” it’s definitely a different conversation. 

        Great, gender neutral gift: I think it goes without saying that Tea AND Meth make great, gender neutral gifts. It’s one of those gifts that keeps on giving. I mean, they’re both easy to wrap in a cute box, they’re both fairly readily accessible, you can share if you want to, fun for the whole family. I definitely think, in this category they are certainly interchangeable. I also know what everyone is getting for Christmas this year. Trust me. I now know some people who can help me out. (I think I stepped away from the point I was trying to make about being addicted to one or the other. I’ll try to get back to that now.)

Ov     Overdose: Sure, it’s possible to drink way too much tea. I’ve been there. But at the rate in which I consume it, I can’t say that I’ve ever overdosed. Or, I have and survival is pretty guaranteed. It keeps me up if I have it too late, and makes me dehydrated or whatever, but I can’t say I’ve had to worry about literally killing myself via tea overdose. Meth on the other hand, especially while used by rookies – can cause immediate death. So, effectively Meth = Death? A nice rhyme for the kiddies. 

         
          The only mug shot is on the cup: It’s true! I mean, could you imagine if you were arrested for selling tea? Or drinking tea? Or giving tea to children?! It’s craziness! Meth will get you a mug shot that is significantly less appealing than some cute puppies or inspiring words printed on the side of a cup. And for that matter, you could show your mug shot to your friends:

      “Hey look at this picture of this sweet mug!” “Wow, that’s super cute, and you took a ‘mug-shot’ – get it? I’m so punny!”

vs.

“     "Hey, check out this picture of my sweet mug!” “Wow.. you got arrested? For giving Meth to kids? Seriously man. You have a problem.”

Explain that one to Grandma. 

          I can joke about being addicted to tea without upsetting the neighbours: It's one thing to say as you walk into the house holding a Tim's cup during a polite interaction with the neighbour and say: "Oh, just getting my fix!" and then mock-toast them as you enter. It's a completely different thing to have a syringe ready to go as you walk into the house and say with a creepy smile "Oh, hey! Just getting my fix!" and mock-toast them with your hands full of needles and spoons, and other meth-related-things. 

       It's okay if the dog gets into it: Yes, I've seen dogs who tear up garbage, and there's always a stoner movie where the lovable pet gets into the brown bag of weed and makes a great scene out of chillin' out because he's all high n'shit. But seriously, if the dog gets into like, your tea stash, you're usually okay. I mean it makes an awful mess and stuff, but at least the dog's health isn't really at risk. Imagine your lovable pet got into the meth stash? 
 
         And sure, it's funny. But seriously, it's likely your pet would never be the same - and it may become severely addicted to meth.
Only takes once, you know. 

and finally: 

It's good hot, cold and with milk: Firstly, to those of you who are cream-drinkers disgust
me. I think that crap is just nasty and belongs in the back of the fridge where it can stay until I die and someone else has to clean it out for me. (and my Mom loves it, so don't think I discriminate, I still think her coffee choices are inferior despite the fact she birthed me.) Outside of that, having 0 experience in the Meth department, I think it's safe to say that Meth is the black coffee of drugs. You just ingest 'as is' - don't usually bake it into delicious brownies, or stir into your morning brew. It's just Meth. And, on top of that, it would probably be really gross with milk. Tea and Milk? a delicious combination of things.

So, I guess for those of you who were really struggling with which substance to go with, it's
safe to say that Tea is the ultimate choice. I mean, it's fairly inexpensive, most places sell it, it's hardly debilitating, and it's okay to have while working.

I chose the colour Brown, because tea and Meth-Mouth are brown.. gross.
Until next time! 

The Sequel: Part 1 - Jade

I thought to myself on a 3.5 hour drive that sequels are simply for the follow purposes:

They have run out of new material
They think it's what the public really wants
People will still watch (or read) it, even if the first few weren't any good (mo' $$$)

So, I come to you with a sequel. I discussed with myself (at length) whether or not I would visit the idea of a sequel this early in my blogging career, and I told myself "No, and shame on you. You can think of 1000 other things to talk (or more accurately ramble on) about and that people (who may also be in my imagination, much like this argument) don't want a sequel, or to re-read the same thing, with a slightly less (or.. more) sarcastic tone to it.

Uhm, I think because I'm definitely  a 'right-fighter', here we are with a sequel. Dr. Phil has discussed with me (through his condescending southern tone and finger wagging on my tele of course) that being a 'right-fighter' is not usually a good thing, unless of course you're discussing seriously moral issues in like.. a legal setting of some sort. The only thing that Dr. Phil is lacking in this discussion with me, is what do I do when I get into these proverbial arguments with myself about seemingly miniscule things for imaginary fans in a blog I'm quite certain my own mother doesn't read. (And, we all know she's obligated to read it.. she's my mother.)

And, I mean - I hate to lose. So, I then use my experience watch the American television show The Office  on how to resolve conflict, and always pick the win-win-win scenario. (If you haven't seen the episode, I highly recommend it, it's really taught me a lot about problem solving in the real world.)

** Please note that I made an effort to find a link from Youtube to include on here to you could easily access the clip so you know what I'm talking about. It's obvious I failed miserably, but on the other hand, if you don't watch The Office you're missing out anyway, and no amount of blog reading is going to save you now. **

Sorry, back to win-win-win. The idea about this particular solution base is that not only do the two combatants win, but the mediator or third party problem solver also wins. Because of the nature of this argument.. uhm, with myself - I'm actually playing the role of all three. So, essentially, by being a 'right-fighter', and using these tools to mediate the argument I'm having with myself about writing a sequel, and then not actually writing the sequel I actually win.. x3.

How you ask? Well. I didn't write a sequel. But, I did write about writing a sequel, and thus avoided writing a sequel. I also blogged, and you also read. I won the argument by resolving to just write the sequel, mediated the argument successfully, and won the other half of the argument by not actually writing it and instead writing about myself arguing.. and then winning the argument with myself.. er against myself.

The sequel? Un-awesome things. I think, there are seriously so many un-awesome things that I could talk about, that I feel like a sequel wouldn't be so bad. I mean, especially if you all think they are really un-awesome, and don't think the actual post is.. un-awesome.

Especially when I was finished arguing with myself about whether or not I should discuss it again, I started thinking about all the things that are super un-awesome that I didn't mention in the original. (or did mention, and forgot because I didn't have the ability to recap while I was driving to Winnipeg this week, kind of because that's unsafe, but mostly because I didn't plan ahead and packed my Lappy in the trunk)

I also thought at the end of the self discussion, that I am witty as shit. And not really because I am (I've had my moments, but so did Hitler. Please don't send me e-mails about Hitler. I get it, it's not the LOLocaust, and I shouldn't make jokes. Anne Frankly, I was really only making a point.. I mean, he's feeding a cute little deer for frig sakes. Yeesh, nevermind.)

                                                     

But, I think to myself: "Shit, in a scripted argument that you can edit heavily in your own mind while driving across a flat-ass province that no one else can hear, that you're probably embellishing in a way where there is no wrong answer, you are a funny lady."

Then I snap back to reality (op, there goes gravity) and realise that I've driven 100kms and don't even remember doing it (good thing they only have one way to get anywhere out here.) and spent the last 50 minutes arguing with myself and then congratulating myself for being witty as shit. I think I need a better hobby. Or, to get some books on tape or something to occupy all this time I'm spending in the car. What was I talking about? Oh right. Sequels.

The only sequel I liked equally as much as the original was of course: The Lion King. I think I may be biased, because it's my favourite movie.. and sure, I know it's Hamlet with lions, but lions are my favourite and who doesn't love a little Hamlet-Cub (played by a white kid), whose Hamlet-Father (played by a black guy) gets killed in a massive stampede of the weirdest looking herbivores (next to Moose of course) in current existence by Claudius-Uncle (played by a British guy) who then mates and procreates with his half sister (played by a black kid, who grows into a white-Irish woman) to make a little incestuous cub (played by a white Canadian). That shit is messed. But, makes for wholesome family fun. And let's be honest, I own both on blu-ray and watch them at least once a month.

Now, don't get me start on TLK 1.5, that doesn't count as a sequel. One, because it's only half of a sequel, and two because this is my blog.. so my rules. 

Anyway, so I suppose this is the announcing of a sequel coming to you, and that you should be prepared to read the same idea, with a slightly different twist, in the same format using the same characters who are slightly older, but not necessarily any wiser and/or better at whatever it is they are doing.

I also can't decide now if I've won or lost.. because I didn't write the sequel, but committed to it. But also, if I write one - is is the sequel to the original Un-awesome things, or a sequel to this piece discussing the sequel and making suggestions that it's next in line. Sequelception?

This is why I don't sleep very much. I argue with myself. ABOUT IMAGINARY THINGS THAT DON'T HOLD ANY CONSEQUENCE OR SIGNIFICANT MEANING IN ANYONE'S LIFE INCLUDING MY OWN. I hope this doesn't age me prematurely.