It’s true. I have been kidnapped by a bearded caper. Well.
Sort of. I have to admit, this is the first time I have dated anyone with a
beard. And let me tell you, what an adjustment it has been! There are certainly
a lot of accommodations you have to make when your partnership is 1/3 beard.
Beards are weird. Seriously, think about it. It’s like, your
face has decided that it’s not cool for the world to see your cheeks or chin. Or
that weird space above your eyes, you know.. between your forehead and your
eyeballs? Yeah. Beards are weird.
I have now become a keeper of a beard. He’s lovely, don’t get me wrong – my life, however has changed. I’m going to tell you in what ways – but first, I’m going to talk about beards and why they are more than just a new fashion statement. Maybe I have beard-envy? It's hard to say.. especially coming from a Ginger who would definitely have a ginger-beard.. the jury is still out on ginger-beards.
Firstly, did you know that the current record for the
longest beard is 6 ft? Yeah. That’s longer than the average Canadian is tall. If
you weren’t self-conscious about your height before, I aim to make it so
knowing you are shorter than someone’s beard. HA. (sorry.) In actual fact, the
record for the longest beard is SEVENTEEN feet, which was set in 1927.. but
that guy is dead. SO.. he can’t hold the record, I guess. I think the beard is somewhere
on display.. I’m assuming having been detached from the grower.. cause.. he’s
dead. Right, okay – moving along.
Apparently, approximately 55% of the world’s men are
sporting beards these days. That’s obviously more than half (good mathing, I
know.) and so I suppose that makes the plight for women who don’t like beards
all that much harder. HA. Just give in, beards aren’t the worst thing in the
world. Beard Bugs. Beard Badgers. BEARDS. BEETS. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
One study found that beards accomplish three things: they
make you look older, appear to have a higher social status and also increase your
aggressiveness. I mean, obviously they don’t make you more aggressive (that
would be some weird biology) – but according to the women they polled or asked
to fill out some sort of survey.. or have personal experiences with both
bearded and non-bearded men have confirmed that men with beards who are angry..
are far scarier than men without beards who are angry. So.. I suppose if you
want to buy beer underage, appear to be rich and/or famous while also being
FIERCE as hell, you should probably have a beard.
Beards protect you from sunburns. So, instead of having the
uniform sun-fucked-tomato look all over your face, it's just in the weird bits that
don’t have your beard on them. Sorry about that gentlemen.. I guess don't get
a sunburn and then shave your beard. It’ll look weird. Unless you’ve committed
crime. Then shave it.. cause other than your stupid sunburn look.. no one will
recognise you!
Contrary to popular belief, you will not woo the ladies with
your beard. I mean, I’m not saying that women out there don’t fawn over men
with beards, because sometimes they do. But in this case, it’s true that the
majority of compliments on your sweet dude-beard will actually come from other
dudes.. probably without beards. Because they’re envious and want the name of
the gypsy you stole the tears from so they can have a sweet beard too.
This is Doug. (Hi Doug) He also has a Beard. Gypsy tear beard.
Rich-turd, (my mane man)
does not appreciate his beard being touched. Firstly, it’s personal space.. of
which you have to get in to actually reach it.. secondly.. it’s a lot like
pregnant ladies and their bellies. They don’t want you to touch their baby.. so
you shouldn’t touch Rich’s baby.. his beard (which coincidently is about the
size of a normal sized human baby). In fact, during the middle ages anyone who
touched a man’s beard was considered to be causing offence and could then be
challenged to a duel because the beard was a sign of virility and honour. Of course,
Rich isn’t super pleased this is no longer a time honoured tradition, as his ideal conflict resolution style is dueling. Especially for
beard infractions. And only if fought with a battle axe. (Yes, some people plan
for the apocalypse.. or the outbreak of the zombie virus. We plan for when they
legalise dueling again. It’s a real skill. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE)
Some responses Scowlbeard has received regarding his beard
are:
1. - “Ew. Gross. No.”
2. -
“Sweet beard, man.”
3. -
“Is that real?”
4. -
“Can I have some of that?” (Although, he was eating
ice cream at the time and I suspect that it was more directed at the ice cream
than at the beard..)
Of course, living with Scowlbeard has it’s challenges.
Beards aren’t maintenance free you know. While some people think that beards are
the absence of facial care and concern, it’s actually the opposite. Not only
does it require regular trimming and oiling and combing and whatever else, but
if you aren’t on top of cleaning the bathroom regularly, it appears as though
you have a serious pube problem.. and try to deal with it on the bathroom
counter or in the bathroom sink. It’s.. kind of weird. Especially when you find
them on the couch or throw pillows. It’s a great way to get rid of houseguests
you really don’t want there anymore. I mean, “Hey.. is that one of my
giant-super-long-curly-wiry-thick pubes on that pillow? Wow. How embarrassing.”
Suddenly, people aren’t just stopping over all willy-nilly trying to scope out
how the bearded half live.
Bird is the word. They make nests with stolen beards.
Another interesting thing is that bearded mean aren’t
necessarily gorillas from the neck down. Surprisingly, you can grow a beard exclusively
on your face, and not be burdened with a matching set of gorilla arms and legs
and chest to go with it. Who knew?!
Being in a bearded relationship means you, as the seeing
eyes of the beard, are constantly on “beard duty”. It’s about as much fun as it
sounds. Basically, at meal times, you are responsible for making sure there isn’t
any leftover dinner, dessert or snacks stuck in the beard when you’re out and
about. Often, food gets in there. Often, you pull that food out. Approximately 100%
of the time you look like a smaller monkey pulling bugs from a bigger monkey. That
shit just ain’t cute. BUT, clean beard is best beard.
(Duurty Beard -->>)
So, at the end of the day, would you say “yes” to the beard?
Doesn’t matter what you say, the beard must say yes to you.
