My landlord is a scumbag. Like, my rent is really cheap, and
my place is pretty big and has some nice features and whatever. But, despite
all of that.. it’s missing one key ingredient.
Heat.
Yes, you’ve read it. It’s missing the essential component of
comfortable living in Manitoba, where it’s -40 like, 11 months of the year.
Anyway, I know I
have to have maintenance of like, 20 degrees or something between the 1st
of September, and the 1st of June. Which, in Manitoba means that for
June, when it snows – you’re shit out of luck.
Anyway, so after politely asking my landlord when the heat
is going to arrive, and then reminding him a few times that my apartment still
does not have the ability to be heated, I have decided to take revenge the best way I know how – effectively.
Now, I should note, that I brought a space heater with me
when I moved because my office in North Bay was icy at all times. I was worried
that my office in Manitoba would be the same – the Landlord also supplied me
with a space heater ‘in case I got cold’ when I moved in and I thought: ‘Okay,
well I’ll put one in the living area, and one in my bedroom, and that should do
me just fine until we get the mess sorted out.’ Well, the heat isn’t working
because when they renovated.. or ‘renovated’, they disconnected the radiators,
and installed these new efficient electric heating panels. Which, are great –
but they aren’t hooked up to anything, so.. they’re purely for decoration. So,
they don’t have the new panel hooked up properly, so only half of the outlets
in the apartment work, which means I had to be very selective of where I put
stuff I needed to plug in.
If by chance, I plug too many things in, or have too many
things running at the same time (for instance, the coffee maker and the
toaster) it knocks the power out in the whole apartment, and the panel is
locked up in the storage room. Lucky for me, he showed me where the panel was,
and which switch to flick should there be an issue. Unlucky for me, he locks it
behind these annoying, cheap wood slat doors. I however, am not afraid of a
challenge, so I usually climb up on the gate, stick my arm through and mash
buttons until the power switches back on in my place. I also swear a lot.
So, we have the added loveliness of a dodgy power supply,
which means that I can’t actually run the two space heaters at the same time (1
in the bedroom and 1 in the living room) because it knocks the power out. So, I
am forced to warm up the living room, and actually PRE-HEAT my bedroom when I
go to bed, because it’s hard to sleep when your breath comes out in clouds. It’s
seriously annoying.
Anyway, so as we approach the winter season, this will be my
first winter in Manitoba, and I’m nervous. I did buy and bring a parka (yes, a ‘two
piece’ parka for those of you who keep asking me what kind of parka) but that
doesn’t really mean that I want to wear it inside, and also to bed. I’ve come
up with some ways that I’m going to get back at the bastard for being annoying
about my power supply and heating situation. (and yes, I’ll be calling the tenant
board, so please don’t email me phone numbers and make comments about the fact
that I’m too daft to figure out the phone to just ring them myself.)
1. There is a strict no-dog policy in effect in my
building. I’ve decided to have my laptop announce when I get an e-mail, and set
the alert as a series of annoying, barking dog noises. I’m then going to hook
the computer up to the speakers I have, turn it up to full blast, and spend my
work day emailing myself to set off the notification. I’m then going to act
dodgy, yell commands like “SIT!” when I’m home, and laugh when the neighbours
(who are also afraid of dogs) complain and have the landlord come and check it
out. I’ve not set a time limit on this, I think it would be fun to have it go on
for the duration of my stay.
2.
I’ve had water issues in the past. The landlord
came, patched up the roof and the water was no longer a problem. Well, it’s
unfortunate that suddenly every time it rains, there ends up being exactly one
large cupful of water on the floor suddenly. I plan to ‘notice the water’, call
the landlord in an uncharacteristically frantic, and damsel –in-distress kind
of way, and after he drives out the hour it takes to get here, I’ll have him up
on the roof looking for the ‘source of the water’. This will go on for a few
times, and then I will one day call and exclaim happily that the water is
finally fixed, and thank him immensely. Suddenly, hottest day of the year, not
a cloud in the sky – water is back! (insert evil laugh)
3.
Successfully complete the damage-deposit inspection so I
can get my cheque back, and then steal inconspicuous things such as the clothes
rod in the closet (which is huge, and custom made), some switch plates, the
showerhead and perhaps some shelves out of the cupboards. Yeah, that’ll show
him.
4.
Again, after completing the deposit inspection,
I will then take a very nice and clean paint brush, and some water in a nice
bucket, and paint huge wet spots on the newly plastered ceiling.
5.
There’s a weird space above the window in my
living room, as well as in the bedroom. Because I’m in a walk-down, the windows
are quite high and actually brush up to the ceiling. If you look through the
window, there is a small ledge where the new ceiling was built slightly below
the cusp of the top of both windows. It should also be noted that I have all
the windows frosted out, so you can’t actually see through them anymore. Perfect.
This spot is ideal for hiding keys or valuables, in case you have a break in or
whatever. It’s also great for hiding a banana in each ledge, because I’m very
worried about stealing my beloved fruit. I will then move out, and forget they
are up there, and suddenly not understand why the apartment stinks because when
I lived there it smelled fine.
6.
I have some strong friends, and I own some cool
tools. I’m going to use both to tighten all the taps in the apartment on move
out day, soooo tight that they are impossible to unstick via regular human
hands/strength.
7.
I’m going to clean the stove so well, that all
of the numbers and temperature indicators are cleaned off, and there is no way
to tell which nob does what, or how hot the oven is. Nothing a little nail
polish remover and a cheap kitchen appliance can’t handle.
8.
I’m going to bake a delicious pizza, and let it
cool in the oven.. for about 6 weeks.
9.
I’m going to switch all the breakers on the
breaker panel (provided he gets it hooked up finally..) so they are obviously
in the ‘off’ position.
10.
I will then remove all of the light bulbs in the
entire apartment, and put all of the light covers back on as though nothing was
changed. The lights won’t work, and they’ll think: ‘genius, the panel has been
switched!’ and switch the panel back. I wish I could see their faces when the
success of the panel switching mysteriously doesn’t solve the lighting problem.
11.
I’m going to switch the lock quietly when I move
out, and make a big production of handing the keys back to landlord. Meanwhile,
I’m going to leave and lock the door with new lock and the new keys, and throw
the new keys in the dumpster.
12.
Red dye in the toilet tank, making the toilet
super hard to clean. Or, just red. Or, well, I haven’t thought that one
through, but hopefully it stains or is kind of, just a pain.
13.
Finally, I’m going to paint the apartment 1
shade darker than the current paint colour, but adding some of my own mix so it
still doesn’t match an actual store colour - so you can’t tell that it’s
different (it’s all the same colour) and hang some pictures. Then, when I move
out and he goes to paint over the cracks and holes in the plaster, I’m going to
laugh at his inability to match up the paint.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘God Erin, you’re actually
just a big fuckin’ dick.’ And my response is ‘Yes, I am a big fuckin’ dick, but
I wouldn’t have an issue if I wasn’t stuck in a walk-down in Manitoba, in the
winter WITH NO HEAT.’
Your move, landlord.
