Yes! It’s true! I am leaving to seek employment in the
province next door. But, don’t worry – I will still do my best to keep on
keepin’ on. Especially here – because I know that I need a good rant, and who
doesn’t love to waste their day reading some ridiculous stories?
So, as my roommate Kristi knows well – I love Teen Mom. I
can’t even help myself when it comes to that show, and I know seriously that
it’s so bad. Like, it has to be horrifying that you get pregnant at 16 or
whatever and then have these cameras follow you around while you awkwardly pass
into adulthood while toting around a toddler or two.
Anyway, so I thought after the endless hours of mine spent
in front of this show that I ought to have learned something from it to at
least make it a little educational .. or something. So, I thought I would share
some of the things that I learned while watching Teen Mom.
For those of you who don’t know crazy amounts about it –
basically there is a show called 16 and Pregnant, and MTV picked 8 teens from
those shows to follow around for 4 seasons. They split them into 2 shows Teen
Mom, and Teen Mom 2. One couple gave their child up for adoption, one couple
has twins but are all fairly dysfunctional and a few of the Moms are dealing
with divorce, mental illness, drug addiction or dead-beat parents of their own.
Here are some of the things I learned:
Number of tattoos and
piercings must get exponentially greater as the seasons progress.
It’s interesting the kinds of tattoos and where we’re
putting studs into our bodies. And don’t get me wrong, (much to my mother’s
dismay) I have some piercings as well – but I can’t see how you can have a two
year old and have the skin between your thumb and pointer finger pierced, or
your collar bones filled with jewellery and not expect them to be ripped out at some
point. Also, tattoos are expensive and I think the show is designed to kind of
scare or educate teens on the idea that kids are a lot of work, and they’re
expensive.. but showing up in episodes with new tats is a little farfetched. Also..
some of them are pretty ugly (strictly in my opinion.. they didn’t get them to
please me or anything.)
Ripped jeans and
flip-flops are always appropriate.
A few of the teens get into some legal trouble while on the
show, or have to go to court for divorces or custody agreements or apply for mortgages – and they all wear
flip-flops and ripped jeans to do it. It’s craziness – and I understand they’re
young, but I’m only a year older than they are now, and I can manage to put on
pants without holes and some footwear with structure to attend some sort of
wedding or meeting at the bank.. like – you’re applying for money for a house..
and moths have eaten your pants. OR, you’re up in front of a judge to claim
that you won’t be doing anything illegal anymore and you fell down and ripped
the crap out of your pants (likely while high) and didn’t bother to change
them. Makes complete sense to me.
Have friends with
kids.
I understand, there is certainly comfort in common
experience and you can do kid things together. But.. you’re 16.. how many friends
have you got.. that have kids? It’s craziness how many toddlers you can pack
into a high school.
Have friends with
kids who name their kids weird things.
On top of the fact that you have kids and so do 6 of your
friends, but the fact that all your friends have seriously named them weird
things. Don’t get me wrong, I have a generic 90’s name and so do all of my
friends, and I think it’s important that we move on with new generation names
like we do with music and fashion as the generations progress – but let’s not
get crazy. A lot of them are like Braxton, Aliannah, Aleeah, Brielle, Bentley
and Brentley. Roll call at school is going to get interesting.
(Side note, a guy once told me that he saw a kid’s nametag
in the hospital and it said ‘Ladynasty’ and he’s all.. you named your kid..
Lady-Nasty? And MommaBear was all “No.. it’s La-Dynasty.. like that show, or
that car.. with ‘La’ in front of it.)
Quality vs. Quantity
The number of boyfriends you have should be excessive,
unless of course the quality of the boyfriend is far below a normal standard in
which case you should keep them around periodically for dramatic purposes.
Boyfriend Change =
Car Change
As much as you change your man, you need to change your
ride. So, different car every 4th episode is standard.. but there is
also room for erratic car changes with reasons that don’t really make any
sense. Like, one of them bought a new VW.. and then 4 episodes later had to buy
a new car because the other one.. “broke down”. I’m sorry.. your new VW broke down? That’s like suggesting you
had lunch with BigFoot. Riiight.
Bad/Excessive Make up
and weird skin tone changes are required
I can’t tan.. that’s just the way it goes.. but when you
routinely change races because of excessive tanning or make up – you gotta
stahp! Let’s stick with normal amounts of product and a normal exposure to the
UV.
Ed Hardy/Victoria
Secret Merchandise is a must
It’s important that on top of your ripped jeans and
flip-flops you wear expensive sweaters. It’s even more important that you
complain that you don’t have any money for things that babies or people need to
sustain life while wearing this
stuff. It really plays down the fact that you make 5k an episode and just
bought a new car to go with your new Hollister wearing Baby-Daddy.
Peirce Weird things..
then play with them
Back to getting the strange piercings in places that
toddlers are likely to rip out – it’s super important that while speaking with
your friends or family.. or even your co-workers that you should play with these
piercings. Enough so that people notice .. or don’t notice because they have
the same weird thing pierced and are also playing with it while talking to you.
Perhaps you could just tug on each other’s piercings..? Gross. Nevermind.
“I’m really going to dedicate some time to thinking about that.” (I
quipped this gem when Amanda’s Mom suggested I try something.. being the ‘try
everything person’ I didn’t want to say no.. but it was a particularly busy
time in my life so that’s what came out of my mouth – I still haven’t lived it
down.)
Being only kind of committed to everything is the way to be
a successful Teen Mom. Go to school, have a kid, have a job, have aspirations
on top of your social life – it’s best that you do everything.. but just do
everything a little bit.
Complain
It’s important that we get the complaining down pat – but the
key to success with this particular show is to incessantly complain about
things completely within your power to change.. and then continue to do nothing
about them.
Cry Incessantly
Crying is a natural reaction to a lot of different emotions.
I mean, it’s biology.. I do it, you do it.. we all do it. But, for these
particular ladies, it’s important that the crying escalates to the ‘Ugly Cry’
frequently, that your make-up resembles that of Beetlejuice shortly thereafter
and that it’s required for every event
however insignificant they may be.
Cry about Crying
This is key, because when you’re ready to stop crying and
take action in the situation at hand, the best thing to do is to get upset that
you’re upset.
Assume the worst at
all times
Complain loudly about your doomed future. Do nothing to
change it.
The longer the better
It’s really important that as a new Mom that your hair and
nails are did at all times. On top of this, the longer-is-better rule always
applies. Make sure that you get them done and then complain about your finances
while in your Hollister sweater, driving a new vehicle.
Finally:
MOVE ABNORMALLY
FREQUENTLY.
I don’t know how people manage to do it, but they can find
enough money, enough people and in a small amount of time manage to move their
entire lives into a new place in the span of an hour long episode. I don’t even
know how people handle the stress of moving so many times, but it’s important
that if you’re not moving every episode you’re threatening to move or disappear
for a night or two in frustration.
For those of you who don’t watch the show – I would recommend
it, I guess. I mean, I don’t even like reality TV (and not really sure how real
it is.. it does get pretty ridiculous) but check it out. And even if you don’t
like it, you’ll feel better about your own lives ten-fold.
